for once i could be brave (dreamsighted) wrote,
for once i could be brave

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she acts just like a nurse with all the other guys

The problem with being disabled and not having a car is that I spend a fair amount of time just sitting around, surfing the internet, strumming my guitar, knitting, doing passive things. I watch things on Netflix, talk to people online, call Brian, make a sandwich. Being in the musical was good for me because I'd actually get up off my ass, sing and dance, socialize. Now that the musical's done, I've found myself in a place where I need to find something else to do with my time and I'm not really certain how to proceed. I've never been very self-directed; I'm better at having someone tell me to show up here and do this, rather than being handed huge chunks of time and needing to fill it with activities. Left to my own devices I'll just watch most of a season of Weeds in one sitting and smoke half a pack of cigarettes in one night. So it's hard to have all this time and nothing to do with it.

I need to find more activities. Being alone and bored for so long I think is one of the reasons I was so sick for such a long time, and working on the musical, being around people, having something that took up most of my thought processes left me with little time to really sit back and indulge in depression and "symptoms." In spite of the flu, as I finished up that last weekend of performances I looked back over the last three months and was really proud of myself. I hadn't felt that good in a very long time, I hadn't stayed out of bed that much in more than a year, and I hadn't been that positive about where my life was headed since that happy time in Massachusetts where I worked on music every day. Coming out of the musical, I feel good. I feel healthy and normal, I feel like any other person.

And I want to make that feeling last. So I can't let myself fall back into the trap of staying in bed doing nothing all day long. I have to stay involved with my life. The problem is that without the musical to guide me, I have no idea how to keep hold of the steering wheel. The next show doesn't hold auditions until August (as an aside, the musical they're doing is streaming on Netflix, and you bet your sweet ass I'm going to learn it backwards and forwards so I can get a decent part). I've been trying to brainstorm what to do next and I'm coming up empty -- I have no idea what to do with myself.

Today was good though. Woke up, made coffee, Mom picked me up and we went to the bank and opened a checking account for her to deposit a percentage of my SS payments so I can be in charge of my own finances rather than asking her for $20 at a time. We went out to lunch with Jackson, I grocery shopped and got snacks for Angel and Jaemin's visit tonight, had my appointment with Deb, came home feeling like I'd gotten something accomplished, and sat down to watch a movie. But I felt like more needed to be accomplished, so I turned off the movie, turned on "Fantastic Planet" by Failure (which is, by the way, an incredible album, holy shit) and made a lasagna for when Josh comes over on Sunday, then washed all my dishes. And I still feel like accomplishing things. I haven't felt this motivated in forever, and that's with the tail end of the flu still clawing its way for ground. I wish my laundry was dirty, I wish my apartment was a mess. But I don't really have anything else to do except to walk down for cigarettes.

Anyway, I'm just in a thoughtful, get-shit-done mood, which is nice considering how scattered I've been for the past few days -- even sitting down to watch stuff has been more than I've felt like I could handle. Now I just need to find shit to get done :)
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