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Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
12:55 pm
- Swedish Beets
Oh man. I'm rereading my entire xanga. While I was in high school I switched over to xanga because everyone from Zeeland had Xangas instead of livejournals. It was irritating but I wrote in there a LOT. "My hands smell like apple cinnamon crap. This is because I used apple cinnamon crap soap to wash my hands."
Lately I've been on this huge kick where I reread all the old things that I've written. I do that quite a bit when I'm looking to be inspired and it always works -- sometimes events in my life that I can look at more objectively come clearer, and sometimes I even find old stuff I wrote that I can fix a little bit.

At the same time, it's often heartbreaking. 90% of the time right now I feel like I haven't grown up since I was about 18, not even a little. Then I went and read my personal diary from when I actually WAS 18, and oh my god. I ended up bawling over it. It's so sad and clear to me how fucked-up on psych drugs I was at the time. I couldn't focus on anything in school, I was falling asleep in and failing all of my classes. There are times in that diary where I'll be in midsentence and switch to another thought. All of the writing I did in that time sounds horrendously manic; free association and streams of consciousness. Word to the wise: if your kids display symptoms of mental illness, try therapy first, drugs later, and if a medication does not seem to be working correctly, don't chalk it up to them being a teenager. Take them off the damn pills.

Rereading, it's absolutely clear to me what a rock Jake was when we were dating and how stupid it was of me to break up with him. I didn't see any other way to do it at the time, and now that I've known him for...what is it, four years now? I know that there were better ways and I could have handled it better. Yes, it gave both of us a chance to grow and be with other people, which is something we both need, and it gave me a chance to get to know him better outside the context of us spending every moment together, and it definitely gave us each the chance to prove to each other how much we care even though we weren't together. The last time I was hospitalized, two people outside my family came to visit me. One of them was Jake, and he came to see me every single day.

November 18, 2004 was the first time anyone brought up the idea that I might be a highly sensitive person. Thing is, they didn't use those words, and they didn't 'splain it thoroughly, so here we are in the summer of 2008, learning these things like it's the first time we've heard them. I believe those were the results of the Rorshach test. And then, last time I was hospitalized, they gave me a specific test for highly sensitive people, and they were like, "oh yeah, that's totally you, this could really help you a lot." This was probably...oh...two hours before I was discharged? My new therapist never found out about that test or the results, and again, they didn't 'splain it very ewll, so I didn't know to talk to him about it. And again, here we are, a full year later, learning this shit on our own. It makes me angry how completely broken the system is.

Sigh.

current mood: angry
current music: Semisonic - Singing In My Sleep

(AWAKEN)

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
3:08 am
- Quotes
Because I need to centralize the things that make me laugh and think: )

(AWAKEN)

Friday, November 30th, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
1:33 pm
- how i feel, with a little help from my shuffle
oh, be my baby and i'll look after you
(the fray)

and peter was a liar
a traitor just like me
and judas was a hypocrit
and paul a pharisee
when truth can be so distant
and hope evades our reach
peter swam across the water
and found it on the beach
(five iron frenzy)

waiting for attention, i'm not
cut it to the left and i rock
need an invitation, i don't
slide it to the right and i roll
(jimmy eat world)

somedays aren't yours at all
they come and go as if they're someone else's days
they come and leave you behind someone else's face
and it's harsher than yours
and colder than yours
they come in all quiet, sweep up, and then they leave
and you don't hear a single floorboard creak
they're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep
by your side...i'm not here, not anymore
i've gone away, don't call me, don't write
(regina spektor)

you call it over and i call you psycho
significant other?
just say we were lovers and we'll call it even
(the dresden dolls)

easy places to get away to
easy limbs languid all around you
all my time, yeah
dirt on your hands
fingers drifting
down my spine, yeah
fall fall fall fall fall
soundtrack to mary
(soul coughing)

there's bourbon on the breath
of the singer you love so much
he takes all his words from
the books that you don't read anyway
his jaw's been broken
his bandage is wrapped too tight
his fangs have been pulled
and i really wanna see you tonight
(wilco)

i'm not much of a jester but i'd taste poison food for you
(alkaline trio)

i'm just an asshole
playing with matches
(regina spektor)

when everybody says no, no, no
well it's your misfortune
and none of my own
wrong wrong wrong
well it's your misfortune
that sweetens my song
i can be the air you drink
every single thought you think
i can be the bright notion in the meantime
warm you like the sunshine
stand in the light
(mike doughty)

well you can stare all day at the sky
but that won't bring her back
that won't bring her back
you say you're waiting on fate
but i think fate is now
waiting on us
(tori amos)

and i wonder
when i sing along with you
if everything could ever feel this real forever
if anything could ever be this good again
the only thing i'd ever ask of you
you gotta promise not to stop when i say when
(foo fighters)

i just wanna wake up in someone else's arms
(mae)

you know the way you look makes everyone hungry
you got the ways and means to make it all right
dye your hair suicide blonde
dye your hair suicide blonde
(the weepies)

smile
don't look so serious
smile
walk
hissssss
mourn over your butterfly wings
(soul coughing)

you've been trying my patience
try pink carnations
red roses and yellow daffodils
don't forget the flowers
someday, I know you will
(wilco)

...and our hearts are on the everglow.
(mae)

current mood: crushed
current music: Mae - The Everglow

(AWAKEN)

Thursday, October 18th, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
12:42 am
wow. I just did one of those fun reread your livejournal things and I realized how often I cry. I need to cut that out. I guess I'm just a weepy person but seriously dudes, I need to not cry so much.

also if Nick dies it will be on my head for the rest of my life or something.

It's been a long couple days, here are surveys. )

current music: Soul Coughing - White Girl (which should tell you how I'm feeling)

(AWAKEN)

Friday, September 14th, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
10:42 am
http://community.livejournal.com/theljprom/

LBMB Prom anyone??

(2 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
5:22 pm
Survey Time. )

current music: Alkaline Trio - Fine Without You

(3 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
2:12 am
GIRLS:

I started using the Diva Cup today (http://www.divacup.com) and Oh. My. God. My life is changed. I am never, ever buying tampons again.

current music: Journey - Don't Stop Believing

(9 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
5:41 pm
- Look what my sister made for me...
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Want one? Want to design your own instead of the Superman logo? Leave a comment or email me and I'll hook you up with Chrissie.

current mood: excited
current music: Dashboard Confessional - July

(AWAKEN)

Monday, July 2nd, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
12:08 pm
- OMG, squee, and other expressions of joy and amazement.
Can I have just a second of your time to be all wheeeeeelike?

Okay, thanks. Basically here's what happened:

Lately I've been posting videos of myself singing on youtube. I thought it would be kinda fun to see how many hits I could generate, and it's been interesting to see which songs people seem to like the best. For example, it was surprising to find how much negativity my version of "Under The Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers got, when so many people seemed to love it when I sang it live on the street. On the flip side, everyone seemed to love my cover of "Hey Ya" up until youtube removed it for copyright infringement (I have since made sure to put a disclaimer on each of my cover videos).

Okay. So a little while back I realized I had no Mike Doughty covers on there yet, and I felt this was something that needed to be remedied immediately because he's completely and totally my favorite artist, basically the only songwriter I go absolutely gooshy for nowadays. I've been telling everyone how awesome he is, and I figured "Hey, if I cover a couple of his songs, maybe people will be like 'Wow, I need to check this guy out' and then he'll pick up a few new fans." So I recorded myself singing "Unsingable Name" from Haughty Melodic and "Down On The River By The Sugar Plant" from Rockity Roll, posted the video, and was pretty happy about it even though the vocal quality was not the best in the world. Then I promptly forgot it because I had a job and wasn't going to have much time to Youtube it up anymore.

SATURDAY. I check my email and it says I have a new comment on that video. I go look, thinking it'll be a hardcore Mike fan telling me how much my covers blow and how I should be ashamed of myself. Instead, I find pretty much the best comment I will ever receive. You can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkTuhjckCAw

AAAAAAAHHHH HOLY CRAP HE ACTUALLY WATCHED MY VIDEO AND "DUG" IT!!!!!! For a second I flipped out, and then I thought, "nah, this can't be real," and then I thought harder about it and realized that he likes the internet, and that his channel is completely empty, no picture, and that the age was right (although anyone who reads his blog could have known that) and then I remembered a quote from Nathan Fillion's blog about how he's not very famous and people who are going to impersonate celebrities should really spend their time on someone better-known, like, as he put it, Christian Bale.

So basically, there's really no reason this couldn't be Mike Doughty (seriously) and even if it's not, whatever, I'll take it this way because AAAAAAAHHHHH HE DUG MY COVERS!!!!!!

</squee>

Thanks for your time!

current mood: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
current music: Doughty - Ossining

(2 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
9:15 pm
It's crazy how little I write on here. I guess part of it is that most people don't really read my livejournal. I guess most people don't really read my xanga either, but I've managed to delude myself into thinking that writing stuff down is a good outlet or something. I haven't had time for any serious journaling lately, but I guess today is a good time for an entry, and I'm doing it here because I feel like I can write things that are a little more personal. This is because my family has all but forgotten about my livejournal, while I know Chrissie still peruses my xanga, and I don't really want my mom stumbling across this sort of thing and accidentally stirring up family drama. That's the last thing I need right now.

okay, so I need some things less. Like certain people in Michigan finding out where I am (although it's not exactly a secret anymore), losing my new job, getting kicked out, having other certain people find out about certain secrets...

I'm really emotional right now and I don't really know why, but I've been on the point of tears since about 3, and I cried silently at one point, while Nick was making food. He didn't notice, and I didn't want him to.

Part of it is adjusting to waking up before 6 in the morning, part of it is getting used to not being able to just grab food whenever I want, part of it is trying to absorb so much new information with this job, which, by the way, is amazing. I'm also having trouble with the physical aspects of the job. A couple people have mentioned that at some point I might want a breast reduction because I might get back problems, and I always laughed at them because I'm strong and I guess I thought I was invincible. Turns out they were right. I'm having back pain every single day now.

My hormones are going nuts right now too, and I completely dread needing to get on birth control, but it's necessary. I can't keep just wondering when I'm going to get my period and if I'm going to have to call in sick to work because I am sobbing in the fetal position from cramps. It just needs to be done.

Anyway, I don't know how much I've talked about my grandpa on here, but I'll give you the quick rundown that leads into what really triggered me being emotionally shredded tonight. My grandpa doesn't like me. On the outside, everyone thinks he's the greatest guy, and if he likes you, he will be absolutely wonderful to you, but he plays favorites a lot and if he doesn't like you, he'll either just ignore you or verbally abuse you like he does to my grandma. Or, like he does to me, he'll be very subtle about it so nobody can say he's doing anything wrong.

One time he took me and Chrissie out on my birthday. This was after quite a few kids were born, so he was pretty much over the whole giving-big-gifts thing, he just took us out for birthday "dates." On this particular date, he took us to one of my then-favorite restaurants, which was located in a shopping mall. At this point, he had only showed very small signs that he disliked me, but he'd made it clear a couple times that he thought I was too much like my dad, and I was happy that he wasn't mad and was taking me and Chrissie out to celebrate my birthday. After dinner, he took us out into the mall and we walked through, window shopping. He pulled us into a jewelry store, not one of those little cheap ones, but an actual nice diamonds-and-pearls jewelry store, and I remember getting really excited because I thought maybe maybe maybe he was going to get me a present, it was my birthday, after all. The three of us started looking through the cases and I spotted this beautiful little ring. He told me I could try it on if I wanted, so they pulled it out and let me slip it onto my finger. It fit and sparkled and was basically the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen at that point. I'm not really sure what happened from there. All I know is that the ring went back into the jewelry case quite abruptly, and my grandpa pressured Chrissie into accepting a pair of diamond-studded hoop earrings.

Grandpa left satisfied, Chrissie left with a beautiful pair of earrings, and I left with a broken heart. To this day, Chrissie insists that she didn't really want the earrings, the whole thing made her uncomfortable, and I believe her. Regardless, she kept those earrings for years and every time I saw her wearing them, it hurt a little more. It was a visual reminder that my grandpa wanted to hurt me.

Anyway, there. Grandpa plays favorites and he does it in very subtle ways. Today I called my grandma so I could tell her about my job, but she wasn't there. Grandpa answered the phone and sounded very happy to talk to me. For a second I thought, "Wow, mom might have been right -- maybe he really has changed."
Then he said "You should see the wall in my bedroom! We just got that new house, and my bedroom wall has thirteen framed pictures: all my grandkids. All but one. Yours is in the kitchen, next to that lemonade sign you made when you were little."

So in a really nice way he made it clear he doesn't even want my picture with the rest of the grandkid pictures. Thanks.

And I'm still upset.

current music: Brave Saint Saturn - Anastasia

(1 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Friday, June 1st, 2007
Friday, June 1, 2007
4:01 pm

So I guess we're in the middle of a drought down here, which is weird because I'm used to Michigan, where we basically don't have enough of a summer for there to be droughtish conditions. But today I think marks 21 days without rain, which definitely qualifies. The leaves on the trees are dying and the grass is brown. It's especially sad for me because I love the rain. I love the sound it makes, I love how fresh and clean everything smells after a good rainfall, and I love that it doesn't smell like dead earthworms after the rain down here. Today's kind of overcast and humid so far, but there's no wind whatsoever and it doesn't really feel like rain yet. Who knows though, perhaps later tonight we'll get a nice little downpour. The earth definitely could use it at this point, and so could I.

Yesterday Chrissie called me and I'd left my phone in my purse, which was in the closet. Someone else heard it beeping and called for me, so I ran to the closet and was digging for it when I accidentally stepped on my high-heeled shoe, which was hiding under the couch. It bent the fourth toe on my right foot back so far that I immediately yelled out and Nick came to see if everything was okay. By that time I'd fallen backwards and sat down on the couch to assess the damage. Nothing was broken, but it hurt like crazy and started swelling up, and it still hurts today. It's not so bad if I walk barefoot because then I can keep my weight off it, but if I put shoes on, it hurts again. I woke up this morning to not just that pain, but there's also something wrong with the heel of my right foot. I can't crane my neck far enough to see exactly what's wrong, but I'm told it looks like a bug bite of some kind, and it's right on my hamstring and hurts whenever I take a step, so I'm limping everywhere, can't even put my shoes on, and for some reason, the middle finger on my right hand also hurts like I jammed something up under the nail. I swear I must be sleepwalking or something.

It's not a good time for all these because I was planning to go back to Harbison this morning and do more applications, and every time I do that, it's intense on that whole walking thing. I guess it'll have to wait until tomorrow or Monday.

Yesterday morning I had an appointment at Manpower to do their MS Word & Excel tests. I took the bus down, which was cool and successful, got there early, read a book for a while, and took the tests. I was worried about my proficiency because I messed up a couple easy things (in Word, putting a document into landscape is in page setup, duh duh duh duh DUH) and some of the things they were testing me on, I'd never even used. I pulled through though, and my results showed that I am indeed proficient with both. That was good news, relieving news. I had a mini-interview after that, filled out another application, wheeeee. The guy sounded pretty positive about me after learning that I'm skilled in certain areas (like mailing prep) and all. Job yay! Let's hope something good rears its pretty little head for once.

Now for some ickiness. One of my old friends got engaged less than a month after me and then made a big deal about how she was getting married, isn't that great!!!!! They finally got around to setting a date and which date did they pick? June 28, 2008. I was supposed to get married on June 30 of this year. Nice of her. Just thinking about that whole failed relationship is enough to depress me and now I'm going to have to go to her wedding a year from now and be all happy and all I'll be able to think of will be "This could have been me, but I fucked it up."

At least I have Nick.



current music: Wilco - Forget The Flowers

(AWAKEN)

Monday, April 30th, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
4:20 pm
- Two months
I've been in SC for two months now and things are getting better better better.

Tonight is Good Food & Heroes Night. I'm improvising a loaded baked potato soup and I'm making that s'mores pie I invented years ago.

In honor of improvised/invented recipes, I thought I'd ask all of you if you've ever improvised or invented a recipe. If you have, you should leave me a comment describing it so we can all salivate over delicious food together. mmm mmm yummus.

current mood: cooking
current music: Jimmy Eat World

(2 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
1:19 pm
Dandelion Wine excerpt that really struck me. )

current mood: loved
current music: Matt Weddle - Hey Ya

(AWAKEN)

Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
2:15 pm
- I've got a favor to ask.
Those of you who have iTunes, would you mind looking for an album called "Winterscapes" for me? It was a CD I had when I was younger and I loved to dance to the music. Specifically, I'm looking for "Amanda's Song."

Here's the Amazon entry: http://www.amazon.com/Winterscapes-Dennis-Burnside/dp/B00004T1IJ -- I'd like to avoid spending that much money on the album if I could. Let me know what you find, thanks tons.

(AWAKEN)

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
11:31 am
- Josh proposed!
Ta-da! I am engaged.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The story is here: http://www.xanga.com/magicalpolaris/549383108/item.html

current mood: happy
current music: Harvey Danger

(3 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Monday, November 20th, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
4:00 pm
My mother gave me a beautiful copy of the Joy of Cooking for my birthday yesterday and I'm FLIPPING OUT because I'm a Josh's and he has flour, sugar, italian seasoning, doritos, bacon, and really nothing else. THIS WILL CHANGE. IT MUST.

Also, my grandma gave me three pomegranates and I've already eaten one and a half. I would eat a couple pomegranates a day if I could.

current music: Fountains of Wayne

(AWAKEN)

Monday, November 13th, 2006
Monday, November 13, 2006
7:37 pm
The name of the game is Avoid Krysty.

The way it's played is that I don't go to my dorm room unless I absolutely have to, or I know she'll be gone. It's a little difficult, but it's been working, except at night and in the mornings. Oh well.

Other than that not a hell of a lot is going on. I swear I'll try and keep this up-to-date more if any of you still care to hear what's happening in my life. My xanga (magicalpolaris) does get updated a ton, so if you need to hear from me so horribly that you cannot stand it...that's the place to look.

The big newsflash is this -- it's official, I'm going to be a college dropout after this semester. I'm gonna go live at home again (yuck...) and basically try to get a job, work my ass off, and get married at the end of June. Yes, folks, especially those of you who knew me way back when the boards were red and black and I was thirteen and dating Paul on the internet...I am going to get married, married, married. My parents are happy, Josh's parents are thrilled to the core, Josh and I can hardly wait. Plans will be made, lives will be changed, a good time will be had by all.

Joining the Cooley family's been really weird at the same time. They are SO family-y that it's insane. I mean, my family's close...but their family is insanely close. Also, the Cooleys are very tradition-oriented to the point where it makes my head spin. Mrs. Cooley told me to make my Christmas list and hand it in. I have never, ever, EVER written a Christmas list in my entire life and it felt so foreign to me -- "be specific" and "write at least one page" are things I don't hear, and they wanted more from me because my birthday is soon as well (SUNDAY, can ya believe it?!). It's always seemed incredibly selfish to write down a list of things and say THIS IS WHAT I WANT, but that's what they wanted me to do, and it was so very awkward handing it to her, especially because she didn't want me to just write down "candles" "books" "earrings" or "perfume." She wanted categories -- "My favorite perfumes are Be Delicious, Lacoste Touch of Pink, Exclamation Noir..." good. grief. It's just so different from the way I was raised, but exciting as well, because my family has all but given up our traditions.

I totally had Greek food for dinner and it was YUMMUS.

current music: U2 - Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horsies

(5 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
2:17 pm
Wow, crazy times!

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current mood: hungry as crap
current music: Pedro the Lion - Indian Summer

(5 underestimated | AWAKEN)

Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
Saturday, September 2, 2006
10:42 pm
If you haven't facebooked me yet, you should do so.

Kimberly Snyder, Aquinas '10

coolness.

current music: nothing,....

(AWAKEN)

Saturday, September 2, 2006
6:52 pm
HEY!

If you have myspace, go friend www.myspace.com/m22music

He's one of my New College Friends, a very very cool guy, and possibly my new music partner, which would be cool beyond cool beyond cool.

And if you haven't already, you can friend my musical myspace (www.myspace.com/kimmysnyder) which would be very cool as well.

Look at me myspace pimping. Can you believe it?

current mood: excited
current music: Tim Angsten - Pattern Lives

(AWAKEN)


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